Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
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Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.