@fro_vo: [fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
@OtherDanOBrien: [police lineup]
VICTIM: That's him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven't started yet. That's your own reflection in the glass.
@crylenol: Commercial for Twitter dot com:
*man yells nonsense out his window*
Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way?
@measday519: Research says that if you're afraid of spiders, you're most likely to find them in your bedroom. I'm afraid of men with accents so...
@sad_tree: "Dad what IS the moon?"
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
@Dustinkcouch: If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I'd have way too many god damn taxes to pay.