[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
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I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.