[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
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What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.