[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
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I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”