[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?