(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times