[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
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Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.