[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
You Might Also Like
*puts my mental health in rice
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*