[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
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Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
how long have you had this for?
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what