Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
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Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.