Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
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Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Thoughts
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you