Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
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Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
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