*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.