FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
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I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
She: I like Cats
He:
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke