FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
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One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY