Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
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[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Kids: Stay in school.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt