[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
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every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
happy valentine’s day to me
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE