Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.