[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.