*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
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When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”