@MoshBalls: Farting in the steam room was a bad judgement call.
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@KKAlThani: A cop stopped me & asked "do you know why I followed you" so I said "cause my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in jail.
@spiritusloquens: My fortune cookie: "Like a hair on a bar of soap, you're likely harmless, but regarded as disgusting and nobody likes you..."
@SatansTongue: *walks in stumbling* Jesus, Paul how much have you had?!? "Just a couple shots" Oh that's not bad then *flashback to Paul injecting heroin*
@SternoShots: Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space. CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola. Me: They have Ebola?