parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
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Breakfast for Stoners:
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
😏😏😏
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*