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You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.