FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
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my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Hmmmmm
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.