walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
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*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?