When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
“The Perfect Relationship”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
This sounds bad:
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.