Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
He’s dead
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.