A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
#damn
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
m’lady
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.