“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
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When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I’m being attacked 😭
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
welcome back
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Found the job I’m suited for
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge