“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
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I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.