“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
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ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames