Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
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You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Who.
Did.
This?