Fat chances are my favorite chances
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send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.