[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
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My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me