[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
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Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
the best thing i’ve ever made
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.