Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
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I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Poetry is my passion
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Lmao
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks