Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
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Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Autocarrot sucks!
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
The Compass
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.