Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
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Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!