@HeyZeus666: Fatherhood Tip : If there's puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you're holding the baby upside down.
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@kuuuuuu: *When I see someone else jaywalk* "What an idiot." *When I jaywalk* "I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself."
@haleysfalling: [showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you'll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings