2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
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Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.