@HeyZeus666: Fatherhood Tip : If there's puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you're holding the baby upside down.
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@PJTLynch: By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn't yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
@dshack8: Me: Can u send me those documents? Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by-- Me: Nope, don't try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
@Jesssicle: People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars