Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
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Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
choose your fighter
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.