Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.