@Sarcasticsapien: Father's Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.
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@causticbob: I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. 'Dad, that's the first time' 'That's a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.' So I robbed a bank
@dinnersruined: How to lose a gf: Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with? Me: *names two of them*
@envydatropic: Fact - If you add "ish" to your time, like 9:00ish, you're never late for anything
@MrSandeepP: My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.