I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
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If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
There is wisdom there.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial