@FilthyRichmond: Father's Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
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@DallyDoll: My microwave beeps if I don't open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I'm fat, microwave. I won't forget there's food in there.
@Lowenaffchen: My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons "speech impediment" was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
@jus4golf: My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
@fuqtarded: On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.