Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
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My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Cheer up.
#Caturday
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.