Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
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Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Bless you
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
no one likes gloating
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*