My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
You Might Also Like
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.