[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
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At least my masseuse has my back.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Duck typos.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
ouch
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Yes, but it was never about money
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
No laws when master is gone
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.