[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr