#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
The three genders.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”