[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
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[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12