Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
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Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident