@HansGrubertron: INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
@iwearaonesie: [hotel]
wife: I'm gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What'd you pick?
me: Space Jam
@asimplesean: The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You're failing now. You're not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
@bornmiserable: Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
@briangaar: [interrupts brain surgeon] yes, but I read on Web MD that
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