@NurseKimaaa: It's so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren't already inside their house.

@torrami: All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they're being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

@KentWGraham: If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

@sofarrsogud: My son and I play a game where he talks all day and I bang my head against a wall.

@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Your résumé says you have a bad memory." Me: "I said that?"