@HansGrubertron: INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years? ME: Probably my communication skills.

@iwearaonesie: [hotel] wife: I'm gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks* me: Ok! *wife comes out in lingerie* wife: What'd you pick? me: Space Jam

@asimplesean: The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You're failing now. You're not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

@bornmiserable: Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

@briangaar: [interrupts brain surgeon] yes, but I read on Web MD that