i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
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When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
me working on my assignments ^-^
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher