I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
You Might Also Like
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe