Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
my first day as a raccoon
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.